If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
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Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
plums roundup
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.