If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
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I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase