@awordforaword

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

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@dhumann

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

@i_zzzzzz

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

@Halbeerz

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

@iinkedZombie

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

@papasuncle

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

@_Tempo11

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

@GingerGander

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

@monicaheisey

i watched a bunch of spy movies and developed this extremely accurate FBI floorplan