If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day