@WhitneyCummings

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

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@BoogTweets

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

@Dr_powpow

I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.

@iwearaonesie

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

@ruinedpicnic

There’s a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about

@dshack8

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

@maebemarbles

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

@GoodNaps

Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else