Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
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Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
My Sentiments Exactly
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out