Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
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me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
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me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
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Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else