you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
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Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.