@badbanana

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

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@dave_cactus

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

@abbycohenwl

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

@yoyoha

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

@KylePlantEmoji

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

@fro_vo

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

@TheresNoGodzila

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

@okimstillhungry

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

@kodeeezzzy

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

@roboticcrab

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music