If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
You Might Also Like
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
🍛
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.