@PS_IRuddYou

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

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@weinerdog4life

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

@Manda_like_wine

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

@stuckinaportal

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

@iGreenGod

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

@XclairemckX

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.