@BoogTweets

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

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@Roweboat13G

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

@BuckyIsotope

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

@U_Want_Shum_M8

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

@ryanaboyd

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

@LoriLuvsShoes

Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun

@timdonakowski

Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”

Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?

@LoveNLunchmeat

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

@lyric_intent

[Bank Robbery]
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*

@MatCro

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

@SentenceReduced

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.