If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
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Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Every time.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
(more comics:
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.