@rad_milk

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

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@AlexRogaski

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

@rickygervais

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

@kumailn

Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.

@Tylerosis

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

@gfishandnuggets

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

@Brianhopecomedy

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

@JohnnyCrash5

[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.

@chuuew

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

@Eden_Eats

Cashier: Your total is $3,896

Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99

@nbadag

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that