if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Cake!!
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.