If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
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just witnessed a drug deal
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Basketball
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.