@mattselman

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

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@TheBoydP

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

@JohnHilsen

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

@GensPlace

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

@somecleverthing

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

@T_N_Crumpets

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

@krisv_723

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

@SoulYodeler

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

@sirchutney

“Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally, Not Wally…” Where’s Wally Audiobook

@NonCombosMentos

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*