If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

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Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.


My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.


I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it


“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine


Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?


Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..


send bail money!


Dad : son ,when I was your age I used to walk 6kms to school

Son: oh now I get it
Dad: get what?
Son: why you didn’t make it to university


you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy


[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]