If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
You Might Also Like
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.