Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
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*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I think this should do it.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”