If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
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Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”