If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like