I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah