If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
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Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.