If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

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school: late

dentist: late

wedding: late

give birth: late

concert: 7 hours early


My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.


Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait


STEM major: what are you learning in school

Kindergartener: shapes and colors

STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that


You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.


[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?


A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]


Girls love a mysterious man, shiny things and a good chase. Supposedly that doesn’t mean put on a mask & run after her with a knife.


Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.