Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
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me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!