If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”