If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

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Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.


Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.


The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war


You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.


the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT


One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.


No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.