Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
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Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.
Employees must applaud the planets.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.