@InternetHippo

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

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@954LeenO

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

@ibid78

Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.

@MavenofHonor

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

@chrisdowning

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

@davidmackau

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

@kyry5

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

@ScaryMommy

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.