[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.