If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.