HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
i hate sex and have no libido but i still date because i love explaining to women why the music they like is bad
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
“Sorry, I fail to see how I ‘misled’ you when my profile CLEARLY says I’m ‘a total cat person’?” – half-cat/half-person being after bad date
SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week?
ME: No returns
SATAN: Please. It’s making me sad
I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
inventor of acupuncture playing with a voodoo doll: ? ???? ?? ?? ???? ???? ???? ??????