@3sunzzz

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

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@RidiculousSheri

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

@OllyiConic

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

@ccthegemini

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

@DothTheDoth

Remember, you can disappear in an overgrown greenhouse whenever you want. You’re an adult.

@rachelle_mandik

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

@AllanForsyth

“Hey, buddy! My eyes are up here!”

– Stilt walking woman on a first date.

@aneesa_p

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

@jackmackenroth

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.