You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”
Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am