If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

You Might Also Like


[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery


Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me


AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine


Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!


Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!


If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.


We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.


Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.