@3sunzzz

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

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@KalvinMacleod

[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*

@joelu72

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

@elle91

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

@MikeOdenthal

i hate sex and have no libido but i still date because i love explaining to women why the music they like is bad

@Smooheed

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

@PleaseBeGneiss

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

@runolgarun

“Sorry, I fail to see how I ‘misled’ you when my profile CLEARLY says I’m ‘a total cat person’?” – half-cat/half-person being after bad date

@InternetHippo

*phone rings*
SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week?
ME: No returns
SATAN: Please. It’s making me sad

@LadyofCinema

I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.

@KissabiX

inventor of acupuncture playing with a voodoo doll: ? ???? ?? ?? ???? ???? ???? ??????