If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

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I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.


cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately


HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT


are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala


Remember, you can disappear in an overgrown greenhouse whenever you want. You’re an adult.


Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?


“Hey, buddy! My eyes are up here!”

– Stilt walking woman on a first date.


Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.


People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.