@3sunzzz

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

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@sixfootcandy

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

@ShaunRightNow

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

@leapeajo

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

@TequilaTears

Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”

@AndyRichter

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

@anerdonfire2

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am