If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her