If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
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The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
“no gods no masters” = leo
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”