Me: “I have COVID-19.”
What my husband heard: “We should have sex.”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
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I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Cop: have you been drinking?
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
friendship on fleek