If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

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Me: “I have COVID-19.”

What my husband heard: “We should have sex.”


I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.


“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”


Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh


Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings


Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with


I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly


I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.


I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.