My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
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interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
True?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
At least try to make it slightly believable
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?