If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
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Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.