@WhaJoTalkinBout

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

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@murrman5

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

@hiplingo

Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.

@iwearaonesie

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

@10kbabyspiders

Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

@GreenEyedJedi

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

@buhsbaby_baby

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog’s paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

@MarfSalvador

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

@Molly_Kats

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.