If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Some people were born into their job.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.