If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis