I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
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My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
So sick of all these stupid rules
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.