If there is one thing the Internet has taught us it is that even the dumbest people on Earth have somehow learned how to use the Internet

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Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.


You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us


if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer


[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”


I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English


Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry


Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.

You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.


I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.