in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
You Might Also Like
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My flabber has been gasted.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I needed a laugh this morning.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included