“Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train.”
– My Dad
If there is one thing the Internet has taught us it is that even the dumbest people on Earth have somehow learned how to use the Internet
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Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Wife: “they’re disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!”
Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Facebook: Because I like being reminded that I went to school with idiots.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.