If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.

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You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.


I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.


I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.


HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here


sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me


*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading


My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen


Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen


Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out


I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”

Because they’d be right.