[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.
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I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it
[cute girl slides me note]
Do you like me? Yes or No
[I slide note back]
Are you a robot? Circle all the traffic lights
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I make the stupidest excuses just to skip the gym.
*burns tongue while drinking coffee*
“Oh no! I really wanted to go to the gym today!”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?