@1halfof2

If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.

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@Reverend_Scott

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

@

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@clusterBtraits

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@Parkerlawyer

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already?

ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it’s a mystery I guess

@ArfMeasures

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

@thepaulahunt

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

@TheCatWhisprer

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

@MichaelLarrick

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

@captainkalvis

cop: what do we put for cause of death
me: health complications
cop: but he was beheaded
me: really complicates one’s health, doesn’t it