“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
911: GET OUT GET OUT
If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.
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This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already?
ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it’s a mystery I guess
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
cop: what do we put for cause of death
me: health complications
cop: but he was beheaded
me: really complicates one’s health, doesn’t it