@1halfof2

If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.

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@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

@mattingebretson

I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it

@noodlegrip

[cute girl slides me note]

Do you like me? Yes or No

[I slide note back]

Are you a robot? Circle all the traffic lights

@UnFitz

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

@mela_shea

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

@Ygrene

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

@badbanana

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

@KKAlThani

I make the stupidest excuses just to skip the gym.
*burns tongue while drinking coffee*
“Oh no! I really wanted to go to the gym today!”

@girl_a_whirl

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?