If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.