How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.
You Might Also Like
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
BARTENDER: the usual?
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
According to my current parking spot I’m a physician