@drinksmcgee

If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.

You Might Also Like

@ColoradoUgly

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

@electrolemon

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

@northernlivng24

I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

@NervousJr

The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.

@TheEllenShow

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

@TheTimmyToes

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

@TheTweetOfGod

1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.

@BlindVigil

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

@tayandmae

According to my current parking spot I’m a physician