“men be like-” “women be like-” just shut up and tell us that specific thing that your ex did
If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.
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if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[Check engine light comes on]
Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.