@drinksmcgee

If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
??yes
??no
??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

@ThugRaccoons

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

@junejuly12

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

@Rollinintheseat

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

@twylaredsun

Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.

@JuliaEveHays

Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama’s campaign isn’t going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.

@ThisOneSayz

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.