[excerpt from my failed job application]
??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.
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Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
creepy math book…
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama’s campaign isn’t going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.