I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
You Might Also Like
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Terribly Tuesday.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Never forget.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow