@drinksmcgee

If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.

You Might Also Like

@zuza_real

“men be like-” “women be like-” just shut up and tell us that specific thing that your ex did

@AudreyPorne

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

@LeslieInMpls

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

@Divergentmama

[Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.

@UnFitz

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

@jctwritesstuff

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

@DaHess1

Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.

@zacharyflynn

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.