If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
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I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
You learn something every day
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.