I don’t punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
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I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
“The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!
What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
“You called about a break-in?”
“Just some food.”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”