@WICKEDTRUTH01

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

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@jake_lach

I don’t punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people

@envydatropic

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

@TheCamJude

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

@tuckerflodman

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

@JimmerThatisAll

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

@UncleDuke1969

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

@laurenreeves

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”