If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
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*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?