If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
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The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.