@dumbbeezie

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

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@iamk1ts

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

@Brentweets

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

@cavaticat

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

@QwertyJones3

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

@LisforLia

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

@AimeeHelene1

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

@MyHairyLife

If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.