Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
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So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I too would like a knife that turns everything into cake.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Me: These books are half price.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.