If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

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Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.


So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything


ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream


Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*


Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.


BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt


Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link


I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?


If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.