@dumbbeezie

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

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@McJesse

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

@NicestHippo

PLATO: I’m famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph–

It’s for relationships where nobody’s getting laid

@tristandross

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

@SergioValenCo

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

@jordan_stratton

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

@GrrrRach

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

@randomnloveit

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

@aisha_aaron

Can’t wait to tell my kids how I survived almost 3 months without seeing my friends so they won’t die if they don’t go for a sleepover at Angie’s house

@felixoshea

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.