If there was a problem, yo, I caused it.

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Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.


person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???


ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?




If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn’t at work.


The best way to have self-control with queso dip in the house is to forget to hide it from your family and let them get to it first


“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?


“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”


[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!


Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste