I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
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I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos