Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes