every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Oops I deleted….
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?