I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
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Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.