Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?
It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.
if there were a zombie apocalypse i’d save a lot of kids but it would be only because i’d need them later to feed zombies so i can run away
You Might Also Like
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I just met a British spy down on his luck. His name’s Bond. Vagabond.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.