@disaster_dog

if there were a zombie apocalypse i’d save a lot of kids but it would be only because i’d need them later to feed zombies so i can run away

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@turtledumplin

Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?

It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.

@2questionable

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

@OldSpookMan

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

@goodhairperson

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

@baronvonbike

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.