If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day