If there’s a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I’ve not heard of it.

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Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*


DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.


[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek


There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t


Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.


Me, in shorts and a t-shirt

7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?


if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.


Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.


idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]


I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again