@TheAlexNevil: If there's a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I've not heard of it.
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@DirtMcTurd: [friend being eaten by a bear] *screaming violently* Me: Stay calm! Don't move so much! I'm trying to take a picture for snapchat!
@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
@: "I can't, too busy": - no one believes you - tired - allows for future invitations "I can't. Not since the accident" - mysterious - fresh - prevents future invitations
@Thynebear: Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.