A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
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Ugh
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead