@TheAlexNevil: If there's a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I've not heard of it.
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@KeetPotato: midwife: "congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he's exactly 7 pounds" me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] "i didn't bring any money"
@Donna_McCoy: My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I'd listened to.
@Nawyourecrazy: Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them. *selfies*