Self-cleaning conscience
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My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her