If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
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Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.