No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
You Might Also Like
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.