Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
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Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.