If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
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Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!