@shopkins776

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

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@ArfMeasures

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

@click4amanda

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

@JerpsBerps

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

@C00LpenNAME

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

@ComicsHey

instagram: wow, everyone is way more put together than i thought

twitter: wow, everyone is way more fucked up than i thought

facebook: wow, grandad is way more racist than i thought

@ddsmidt

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

@PaperWash

idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school