@shopkins776

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

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@thepunningman

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

@Contwixt

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

@capnwatsisname

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

@rachelle_mandik

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

@Jake_Vig

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

@desi_princess

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

@ewfeez

I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up

@psybermonkey

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate