Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
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I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
New Tinder profile.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate