If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

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Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time


All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.


Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???


Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”


1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?


instagram: wow, everyone is way more put together than i thought

twitter: wow, everyone is way more fucked up than i thought

facebook: wow, grandad is way more racist than i thought


On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.


idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school