@Carbosly

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

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@CethanLeahy

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

@AudreyPorne

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

@shatterpants

You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.

@BigJDubz

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

@JohnHilsen

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

@TenaciousTess

Me: carry my bags plz. I’m practically a trophy wife.

Husband: participation trophy

Touché husband Touché

@LoveNLunchmeat

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”