If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
This pepper has seen some shit
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Meanwhile in Canada…
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
BRO LMFAO