@Kvy_kv

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

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@iwearaonesie

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

@SortaBad

“I’d like to make a large cash deposit”

teller: ok, how much do you have?

“Wow can’t a guy just share his dreams without being pressured?”

@mommywhines

It’s so adorable when girls are scared to eat in front of a guy. I’ll eat both your plates. Probably even the guy.

@carlyken

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

@RoosterMustache

*emailing professor after exams*

it hAs been An Awesome And greAt yeAr thAnks for the AmAzing clAss you hAve tAught me A lot

@joelu72

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

@Reverend_Scott

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

@yerpalmildsauce

Whenever I’m in the mood for a bowl of wet meat and vegetables, I always choose Soup.™

@YUCKYBOT

Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.