Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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“I’d like to make a large cash deposit”
teller: ok, how much do you have?
“Wow can’t a guy just share his dreams without being pressured?”
It’s so adorable when girls are scared to eat in front of a guy. I’ll eat both your plates. Probably even the guy.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*emailing professor after exams*
it hAs been An Awesome And greAt yeAr thAnks for the AmAzing clAss you hAve tAught me A lot
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
“You have 2 days.”
Whenever I’m in the mood for a bowl of wet meat and vegetables, I always choose Soup.™
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.