If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

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Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV


“I’d like to make a large cash deposit”

teller: ok, how much do you have?

“Wow can’t a guy just share his dreams without being pressured?”


It’s so adorable when girls are scared to eat in front of a guy. I’ll eat both your plates. Probably even the guy.


Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.


*emailing professor after exams*

it hAs been An Awesome And greAt yeAr thAnks for the AmAzing clAss you hAve tAught me A lot


[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card


Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”




“You have 2 days.”


Whenever I’m in the mood for a bowl of wet meat and vegetables, I always choose Soup.™


Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.