Haha good job!!
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Just a bush.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0