If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.


Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.


Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.


Last time I went to the doctor he prescribed constipation medicine to clear up my earwax. He was right about me being a shithead apparently.


Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.


*Goes fishing

*Catches Spongebob

*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy

*Too lazy to buy a sponge

*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet


Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.


You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.


Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?