If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
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I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Comparing yourself to others
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions