@CruisinSoozan

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

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@AndyAsAdjective

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

@sixfootcandy

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

@FunnyIsFamily

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

@just1fool

Last time I went to the doctor he prescribed constipation medicine to clear up my earwax. He was right about me being a shithead apparently.

@theregoesrichie

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

@Shellsterca

*Goes fishing

*Catches Spongebob

*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy

*Too lazy to buy a sponge

*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet

@bazecraze

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

@jollyrobber

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

@bartandsoul

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?